Genes, Tears, and Spirits

https://www.namm.org/library/oral-history/tetsuya-takagi

(English entry to follow)

「これなに？」

「グランパのビデオだよ」

「え？」

驚きの表情で映像を凝視。そういえばこんな映像があった事を話していなかったかも知れない。

生前の親父に娘はあまり懐かなかった。親父とお袋がまだアメリカに住んでいて、一番頻繁に実家に連れて帰って会わせていた頃の娘が当時はまだ2歳。大きな手術をした直後の親父はいかにも病人のような顔をしていて、少々気持ち悪かったかも知れない。その夏、両親の金婚を祝った頃には、親父は比較的元気そうにしていたが、その頃の思い出が多少はあるのだろうか。翌年に日本へ帰国した後の親父に娘は片手で数えられるくらいの回数しか会っていない。

昨年11月の下旬に妻と娘は日本の田舎に行く予定を立てていたのだが、 お袋から親父の危篤の知らせを受けて、訪日の予定の無かったボクが彼らより一日先に日本へ行く事に決めた。翌日に親父の病床を訪れた娘。学校に行き始める前は、お年を召した病人の世話をしていた義母に付き添う事が多かったせいで、同年代の他の子と比べてそのような状況に慣れてはいたのかも知れない。だが娘が来た頃には親父は膵炎による痛みのあまりに顔も体も歪んだまま硬直しており、強力な痛み止めのせいで口もきけなくなっていた。それを見た娘は怖かったであろうに、それでもその手を握りながら話しかけて、親父の5人の孫を代表する大役をこなしたのだった。

死の瞬間には立ち会わなかった娘。死亡確認後、娘を連れて田舎に帰っていた妻に連絡を入れた所、親父の死亡時刻に娘は「おなかが痛い」と訴えたらしい。周りの大人に「霊感の強い子だね」と言われたと言う。

その後、葬式に参列し、火葬場にまで同行した娘には、棺桶の中の痩せ細った親父の顔が記憶に残っているのだろうか。娘の生まれた年に撮影された映像に見られるような、肉付きの良い元気な親父の顔は知らなかったと思う。

その映像をボクの膝の上に座って見ながら、娘はボクのシャツで涙を何度も拭いた。見上げた顔を覗いたら目が真っ赤で、その生々しい反応にビックリしてしまった。

「もう会えなくて悲しい」

愚直な言葉は不器用な芝居ではなく、小学校2年生の限られた語彙で純粋な感情を表した表現だったと思う。

気難しくて頑固で本を読むのが好きな所がグランパにそっくりな娘である。

***

"What are you watching?"

"It's a video of Grandpa."

"Huh?"

She seemed genuinely shocked. Only then did I realize that I hadn't told her about this video.

My daughter didn't always connect with my dad. She was only 2 years old during the time my parents were still living in the States, and I was taking her to see them most often. After major surgery, he looked like a sick man for a while, which may have freaked her out. But later that summer, when we celebrated my parents' golden anniversary, he was looking better. Maybe she has some memory of that time. After that, over four years since my parents moved to Japan, she had met my dad no more than a handful of times.

My wife and daughter had scheduled a trip in late November last year to visit the countryside in Japan without me, when I received the call from Mom about Dad's critical condition. I decided to fly out before they did. My daughter came to my dad's bedside the next day. Before she had started going to school, she would accompany my mother-in-law who visited the sick and elderly often, so she is probably used to those situations more than her peers. But by the time my daughter came, my dad's face and body had become contorted due to the pain caused by pancreatitis. He was also no longer able to speak because of the potent painkillers. It may have been scary for her, but she admirably performed her duty representing Dad's five grandchildren, holding his hand and talking to him.

She was not there the moment Dad died. After he was confirmed dead, I notified my wife, who had taken our daughter to the countryside. She told me that around the time of Dad's passing, my daughter said her stomach hurt. The grownups supposed she must have a spiritual sensitivity.

She attended the funeral and even the cremation. I don't know if perhaps Dad's gaunt face in the casket had left a lasting impression on her. But I am pretty sure that she had never seen my dad as full-fleshed and healthy as he looks in this video, which was shot in the same year as my daughter was born.

As she sat on my lap and watched the video, she started wiping her tears on my shirt. When she looked up, her eyes were red. I was surprised by the rawness of her reaction.

"I'm sad that I can't see him again."

Such straightforward words can be construed as awkward acting, but in her case, it was probably as pure as her feelings could be through her limited 2nd-grade vocabulary.

She is sometimes difficult, stubborn, and loves to read books - just like Grandpa.